listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize