the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
