The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
