I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
