There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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