I'm sorry my penis didn't work
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
