I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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