good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
