I hate your face
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
