I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
