If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
zippers are such a cool invention
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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