Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
