We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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