The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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