im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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