Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
