Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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