How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
