dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
