Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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