Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
