Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
