im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
