if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
