You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
