That's intense
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Text me some of your sweat
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
