I feel great
I just peed on a car
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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