Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
