the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
