the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
being pregnant is like rehab
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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