It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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