My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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