Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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