she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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