just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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