this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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