i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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