my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
