i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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