just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
