the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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