i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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