Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
