I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
