I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
