Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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