Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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