Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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