I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
