just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
