Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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