life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So much rum. So many feels.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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