when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
