Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize