totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
