its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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