I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up under a house in Key West
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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