oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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