she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
