Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
