WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
