I can't breathe out the right side of my face
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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