I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
