Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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