Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
