how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize