I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
