I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
