im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
